Act I - Title Screen

An airship descend through some clouds which part and the camera descends like it is the opening of “The Simpsons” but only if it was “Simpsons 3035 AD.” Actually the text tells us that it is the year 604 in the Kingdom of Dalmasca.

PUSH START!

View of the market. It is just a typical busy day at the bazaar: Lizards talk with giant pigs and a pair of Tyra Banks clones hurry on their way to work at the Playboy mansion.

A Disneyland-esq parade swings into full gear lead by an army of Teddy Ruxpen dolls. There is a chicken drawn carriage and there is a handsome couple riding on it. The couple is actually in the middle of their wedding. She is wearing a traditional white wedding gown while he is wearing an Apollo Moon Landing space suit (sans space helmet). This whole extravaganza (Teddy Ruxpins and all) was clearly her idea. Guys, if a girl ever tells you that she wants a fairytale wedding, you say no! You can kiss any freewill goodbye from that point on. Like most grooms he is just along for the ride, waving carefully, breaking a smile here and there, just trying to make the best of it and make her happy. He half smiles at her probably because he is half hung-over and half anticipating all the crap he is going to get from his buddies.

The couple moves inside a huge cathedra and someone “Pronounces them man and wife.” A hundred white birds signify the consumation of the physical act of love, or the wedding night. But before that, quick cut to the wedding reception, which is being held in a war room. Instead of dancing, everyone plays some kind of Risk/Strategy game. An Albino comes running in proclaiming that the Nabudice has fallen. The guy who was just married volunteers to fight with the albino for the sake of the kingdom.

A huge starwars-esq air ship descends as warriors prepare for battle. Atop the cathedral, the groom gets a new sword and looks over at his new wife then turns to the assembled crowd and performs a William-Wallace-style yell. The crowd eats it up like candy.

A flying high-heeled shoe zooms off and then reappears in the heat of battle. The battle for middle earth rages below. I would tell you who is winning but it really looks a giant free-for-all. I can’t even tell who is on what side. They really should play shirts VS skins.

The groom, the albino, and a bunch of other soldiers ride in on chickens. Albino says that they should withdraw. The groom disagrees because there are still some guys chanting around a giant bon fire. The groom shouts that this is for his father and then he is quickly given an arrow tracheotomy. A huge spaceship falls on the battle below. The albino picks up the groom and on fowl-back they jump over the attackers.

Well, the wedding probably lasted longer than the marriage because we are now at a funeral for the groom. His bride, I don’t know if she had time to change out of here wedding dress, looks over his open casket. We started with a wedding and ended with a funeral. Open casket funeral, it looks like they laid him to rest in a lettuce wrap. Pan over a smoldering battle field, crows are everywhere. Well, way to start this game off on a high note. Makes me really want to continue.

Final Fantasy: Ecks, eye, eye!

Spotlight on a book. Ugh I hate words? I didn’t play a video game so I can read. A man who sounds like a speak-n-spell says “The death of Rasler Hetos Nabradia was a tragedy for Dalmasca.”

He goes on to tell us how the Archadian Empire was advancing towards the other Empire of Rozarria. First step to Rozarria is through Nabradia (the grooms home). The next country in line for the Archadian march, Dalmasca (the bride’s country) counter attacks the Empire and ends up loosing the fight. Dalmasca has no choice but to sign a surrender treaty. The treaty is said to be “Signed with steel and Writ in royal blood.” I don’t know why Writ is capitalized.