Battle of Rhodes

The scene opens with Kratos sitting on the throne, clearly demonstrating that he is not the god of “gender equality.” Linda Hunt, headmaster of Kindergarten Cop Elementary and international sex kitten, purrs the exposition. “By defeating Ares, Kratos became the God of War.” Kratos has been shunned by the gods but he doesn’t care because he would rather hang out with the Spartans and cause wars across Greece. Athena approaches and warns, “enough Kratos, with every city you destroy the wrath of Olympus grows.” Obviously, the gods have forgotten that he is the god of WAR. It’s like complaining that Hephaestus is always sooty.
Kratos then leaves Olympus via the same swan dive trick used to kick off GOW 1. He crash lands in the middle of Sparta’s assault on Rhodes. Athena counters his advancement by sending a hawk to animate the Colossus of Rhodes and deflate Kratos. In doing she proves that it really does take an act of god to reduce Krato’s colossal ego down to human size.
The Colossus trudges across the little inlet and the water effects look nice and sudsy. Kratos falls into a little palace atrium and the Colossus runs up and gives a little looky-loo at Kratos. This 100-ton statue with a propensity for voyeurism is your new enemy.
When you gain full control of Kratos, kill the multiple waves of gold-plated soldiers. My favorite attack combo is to use the triangle button which will shoot them in the air. Then, attack them while you are floating above the other soon-to-be-killed guards. When they are all defeated, three solders say “by the gods he has killed them all” and then run off. Proceed to the gate, stand in front of the small glint, and press R1 to power clean it.
Circle around this next hallway fighting off any guards who attack. When you reach the end, the colossus reaches in and pats around like he is looking for his lost glasses. He then grabs two guys who are probably having second thoughts about voting “aye” when the Rhodes city council suggested building a huge bronze statue to guard the inlet.
Jump through the new hole in the wall and run up the ladder. Jump out the window to find the colossus again. He is patting around, smashing guys and will swat Kratos if you gets too close. But, his frequent uses of the hands suggests a sensitive touch. If he wasn’t destroyed by that earthquake in 224 BC he probably could have given the Statue of Liberty a pretty good back rub. She seems a bit tense and I bet she would enjoy that.
BOSS: Colossus Fight Part 1

• Watch for the colossus’ windups and move the right analog stick to dodge his slap attack
• When his hand hits the ground, jump to avoid the shockwaves.
• The hand will thenl sit there for a moment. At this moment, attack it
• After several hits, the Colossus will pull it back and commence the attacks again
• Repeat the above process and when you have hit the hand several more times, the Colossus’s eyes will shut, he will pull back, and then rest his hand on the building

At this time, jump up to the ballista. Press R1 to fire a rock at his head and then get into the ballista by press R1 to get in it and then tap O to fling yourself on him. As soon as you hit him, follow the on screen button presses to attack the giant in such a hyped-up fashion that it makes the battles in Shadow of the Colossus seem about as much fun as reading a book. After successfully punching out its eye, the Colossus flings Kratos across Rhodes, through a dome to create an impromptu oculus. When you regain control of Kratos in the pool, don’t swim down the tube yet. Swim back just a bit and then hit X to surface. Climb out of the water and circle around the room to find a row of protective screens. Attack the screens a lot to destroy them.
Behind the screen are two women who are kinda-naked. You see, Kratos really, really loves these two kinda-naked women. He loves them so much, and so equally, that he has to make a special type of love to them and he has to do it to them at the same time. You will have to take my word for the loving, because the camera shifts to a statue called Manneken Pis. Watch carefully because this is all symbolic. The boy and his penis stand in for Kratos and his penis. Are you following me on this one? Furthermore, the boy’s spurting, stands in for Kratos’s spurting. It’s very crafty. Not since the train at the end or North by Northwest has coitus been so thinly inferred. When you fill them up, red orbs appear which means that this was their first time.
When ready, get back in the pool and dive down the underwater tunnel. Press and hold R1 and then release it to bust through the grate. Surface and swim right to the ladder that is leaning up against the burning town set-piece featured in Pirates of the Caribbean the ride. Climb up and R1 the giant lever. Move forward and press R1 to swing across the gap. Jump up the two ledges to the grate at the top. Use R1 and circle to lift it.
Fight the guys in the next room and climb the ladder. The colossus gets fed up with Kratos’ annoying attacks and decides to put his foot down. Unfortunately, it is right on Kratos. Rapidly tap circle to fling the colossus across Rhodes. Continue to the left side of the room and hand-grab your way up the wall. When you reach the top, the Colossus comes back and Jesus H. Zeus does he looks bad. His bronze skin is really falling off fast and judging by what is underneath, I am thinking that it is actually Tron Guy underneath.
Jump down and get ready to confront the colossus once again.

• Stand just a bit to the right of his right hand.
• Don’t stand too close to the right hand through because he will attack you with his right fore-arm.
• When he rears back his left arm for a smash, double jump towards his right-side. Quickly turn around and start attacking that left fist.
• If he pulls back both arms for a double-fisted tantrum, use your magic by pressing L2 and Kratos will yell stuff like “I am the God of War”, “I will make you suffer” or “Don’t believe Ondore’s Lies”

When the Colossus has been knocked around enough, he will swing over to one of the two corners and pout. Run over to his hand (indicated by the circle) and press the circle button. Then, follow the context sensitive prompts to give him some nasty Inigo Montoya cuts. After he has been cut, he will recenter and you will need to repeat the set of attacks to get him to pout on the other side.
Once the second set of slashes have been committed, he grabs Kratos in his hand and that’s when the box art for the demo comes to fruition. Let me tell you I was relieved to see this moment tie into the box cover because I was sure the GOW2 team just crayoned Kratos into the cover of an old Encyclopedia Brown mystery titled “Encyclopedia and the Case of the Blueberry Jelly Monster.” Alas, it is an original piece and I guess it does makes more sense that the blue stuff isn’t jelly but actually an ectoplasm conjured by Athena. Just a little bit more sense though. Either way, you will need to pump the L1 and L2 buttons to free his vice grip.
Colossus throws Kratos through another dome (leaving two Wile E. Coyote holes in the ceiling) and into a quaint villa. Jump over the chariot and up onto the balcony. Lift the gate and run through the hall. When you hear someone yell something that sounds like “watch your bike”, make a quick right to avoid the archers. Make another right and fight off the approaching guards.
After clearing that room, observe the light streaming through the open window and that sexy dandruff particle effect. Move to the left corner of said room to find a pedestal with a statue on top that is spread eagle. I mean an eagle whose wings are spread. Check your watch because we reached our first block and pressure plate puzzle in less than one hour. Drag the block over to the plate that is in front of the gate. Hold R1 at the stone again but this time press and hold X until Kratos stops his grunting. At which point you can release X to fling it past the gate and onto the next trigger. But, Kratos is still locked out. Position him on that first trigger and then flick the right control stick to roll him past the gate before it closes. You should now have Kratos, the eagle pedestal, and the second touch plate all together.
Urn of Gaia
Before proceeding through the second gate, pull the eagle to the right. The camera will switch to the long hallway. Notice the three chests that are sitting on a shelf high above the floor. Push the stone block right under these chests. Attack the block to destroy the eagle. Jump up onto the block and then double jump up to the chests. The middle one has an urn which will multiply the red orbs by a factor of 10. Unfortunately, you can only activate this on your second play through though.

Pull the statue back to the other hallway and onto the touch plate to open the second gate. Run through it.
Send Kratos down the hallway and makes a quick left. Someone yells out “Die with Honor.” This fight is easiest if you jump over the front line and attack the archers first. With them down, go back to fight the foot soldiers. When done, run ahead to a platform with a lever. Pull it with R1 and ride up to the top. Run straight ahead towards the open window and the colossus looks through. Strike his eye a few times and be glad that the Colossus didn’t mistake this for a glory hole. Because of the attacks, Colossus pulls the room down. Head to the end of the balcony.

Cut Scene
The clouds start talking and saying that “I offer you the Blade of Olympus.” It is Zeus and he says that this sword won the war against the Titans. Zeus tell Kratos to drain his godly powers into the sword and realize your full potential.
At the edge of the balcony, climb up to the ledge on the right (there is a ladder on it). Then move right just a bit and double jump onto the gray hand ledge. Shimmy to the right, them jump up onto the ledge above it. Button mash your way through the next set of guards and continue through the door at the end of the hallway.
Break through the glass window. Ahead is a series of narrow beams you will need to tightrope across. However, there are guys below that will shoot you off. Jump down and take care of them first. When they, and the archers above, are dead, go back to the right to find the ladder. Climb up it so that you can crawl across the beams again un-molested. Nimble to the right to reach the save light and then climb the nearby ladder.
Jump down the hole with the chain and fight the guards. When done, lift gate that is between the two orb chests. Run across the bridge before the Colossus can destroy it. The Colossus is at the end of a large, round platform. He grabs his left hand because it hand has fallen off and resting on the side of the platform. But the most importantly object is the one in the center of the platform, the Blade of Olympus (sent by Zeus).
PART I

• Do not run over to the deifacted sword at first. You will have to wait until the Colossus is occupied before you can approach it
• If Colossus raises both arms above his head, double jump over the shockwave
• If Colossus rears back his bum arm, dodge the crawling fissures
• When the fissures appear, quickly run over to the right side of the platform and pickup the hand that is lying there. Press R1 to fling it back at the Colossus.
• When he is reeling from getting hit by the hand, run over and R1 the blade in the middle of the platform. Kratos will drain all his red life into the blade

PART II

• Continue to avoid the sword until the Colossus is stunned - Colossus resumes his two fisted pounds so double jump then attack his fist just after Kratos lands
• Use your magic liberally against his hands because it will soon be drained
• After enough attacks he falls back stunned. At this time, run up to the blade and Kratos will drain all of his blue magic into the blade

PART III

• Colossus returns to the two fisted attacks again, continue to attack his fist
• When he is knocked back a third time, return to the blade and Kratos will drain half of his green health into it.
• Finally, Kratos pulls out the blade that contains all of his “essence” and use it against the Colossus.

PART IV

• Colossus rests his arm on the side of the platform like he has had too much to drink. “Pleasse bartender <<hiccup>> juss one more”
• Attack his forearm with just a quick hit. Keep your attacks down to one or two combos because he will swing his other hand at you quickly and you will need to jump out of the way.
• Colossus then does his best Samus impression and shoots a cloud of blue energy out of his arm hole. Avoid it by double jumping out of the way the instant you see his arm fire up
• After enough hits he gets an “O”. Press it to continue to the next phase

Follow the path around to another of the beam joints. Destroy it, and even from the inside, it is clear that Colossus mouths “oh f*******ck!” Run around and jump out of the mouth.
Cut Scene: The Colossus’s head is on fire and explodes. Kratos escapes the blast and then lands on the platform below. He then (prematurely) gets on his soapbox and starts yelling. The colossus seems pretty annoyed with Kratos’s ranting/over-acting and slaps him. Kratos’s sword flies out from his grasp and with it, all of the mojo.

Kratos in his Brothel Ware

At that instant his god-armor starts falling off. Which is a good thing because the black and gold metal accents combined with the scarlet-red cloth to make it look like it was cobbled together from the decorative elements of a Roman Brothel. Not that I would know first hand, but I just saw S1E6 of that HBO show "Rome" and Pullo just took Octavian to one.

CUT SCENE: That eagle that animated the Colossus flies down and turns into Zeus. He has a long white beard, scraggled hair, and old features. He looks like he could be the God of 1960’s Drug Gurus or at worse the God of all Hobos. Zeus says Kratos must serve him and not these Spartans. He attacks Kratos. However, because Kratos drained all of his strength into the sword he is so weak that you can't fight back. Let him wail on you and tap “O” to fruitlessly hold off a stomach attack. Has the winless-final-boss/first-level mechanic become a video game standard yet? It would be joining Super Metroid and Final Fantasy among others if it did. Failing to hold off the sword plunging into his stomach, Zeus then digs into Kratos’s bread basket. Zeus, referring to Kratos as his son, tells him that he will never be the ruler of Olympus. Then, he sends out a shockwave of blue fire and all of the Spartans are exterminated via Geometry Wars Genocide. Kratos promises revenge. Zeus sexily sashays off and Kratos dies a Smucker’s-preserves-filled death. As he loses consciousness, the arms of Hades pull him under and we finally get confirmation that hell really does look like a Korn concert (crowd surfing and all).
Linda Hunt then uses her “power of narrator” card to change the story and resurrect the protagonist. Kratos, still reeling from his body blow, has his life flash before him (even if it is a little late considering they normally happen just before you die).
Here is a rapid fire transcription of his flashes:

• Kratos shows an enemy soldier that a rock is quite a bit worse than a hard place
• The king of Barbarians attempts to kill him at which point Kratos prays to Ares (the then God of War) to get him out of this certain death. As part of the deal, Kratos must serve Ares forever and is fused with blades mounted on chains.
• While using those chain-blades, Kratos kills a woman who happens to be his wife
• Ares, the one with the red hair and widow’s peak, does a pretty good Linda Hunt impression
• Then, a naked concubine does and even better version
• Finally, a young girl tops them all does a REALLY good version when she says “this is not the end”

Kratos awakens and a huge face with a crispy, crunchy, tender, flaky, crust introduces herself as the Earth Titan Gaia. She uses the Gravemind technique of giving the (in stasis) protagonist point-blank plot exposition. She tells him that he is getting his life back so that he will help her and the other titans defeat Zeus. To defeat him, Kratos must seek the Sisters of Fate to regain his power. The camera pans down and Kratos’s stomach is healed. Kratos then pulls himself out of the cop-a-feel depths of hell.